When word got round that Alex Kingston's River Song was set for her first appearance since 2013's fitting conclusion The Name of the Doctor, there came two responses from the general public: yay and nay. Yay because some fans seem to adore the character or enjoy the rapport she previously had with Matt Smith's incarnation, or nay because she's an unlikeable character or her time is complete. But with an ongoing series set for release with the Big Finish audio range and the Doctor only recently forgetting who the hell Clara is, showrunner and character creator Steven Moffat (apparently in a move which would have suggested that this was his final script for the show) has returned to the character for a episode with a purpose which most Christmas episodes during his era have failed to be – be of good quality.
When he's interrupted from his brief tranquillity by Matt Lucas' servant boy Nardole in a moment of mistaken identity, The Doctor (Peter Capaldi) has little knowing that he'll end up in the presence of one River Song (Kingston) - his part-time wife and occasional companion. However in this case she doesn't even recognise him, and wishes that 'the surgeon' would operate on her husband King Hydroflax (Greg Davies); a genocidal maniac who resides in a self-operated cybernetic suit taken straight off the posters for Big Hero 6. Of course, River being River, all isn't quite as it seems as she has ulterior motives, which the King quickly discovers and then invokes in a mad dash across time and space for River's prize, which sits within the skull of Hydroflax's removable head. So the Doctor must do his best to help her out while she remains oblivious to his true identity.
As far as plots are concerned, this one is a little messy, even by Moffat standards. Despite a quick opening which immediately gets the characters introduced and the light-hearted tone present, it immediately slows down in an uneven slog that can't decide between wanting to be an action-set romp or an endearing character piece between River and the Doctor (once it gets the dull "Don't you recognise me?" storyline out the way which takes far too long). It would help if the "comedy" that pads the story past its better-suited 45 minute runtime – instead lasting a never-ending 60 minutes – but unfortunately it's same-old same-old for this recent era, meaning that it's very rarely that something good comes out of that area. But it's just the fact that the episode feels so disjointed and incoherent at a story perspective which leaves you wondering why Moffat felt like this was a story that deserved to be told; least of all one which could have rounded off his era. Of course the most noteworthy thing of the episode which many consider makes it a success is that the end finally portrays the last moments River and the Doctor spend together on Darillium...which was technically spent off-screen in a mention in one of the Series 6 special minisodes, but there's a slight comment which explains that so at least it did something right. And yes, it has succeeded in making certain people (i.e. River Song fans) happy with the way her story finished...but it all feels a little unnecessary. We got the perfect ending two years ago in the form of Name of the Doctor, so this feels less like a required story to tell and more of Moffat thinking "I've got to make them cry somehow...I know! I'll force in a planet from a comment made seven years ago and make it heartfelt! Awards for me!".
Surprisingly, Peter Capaldi isn't on his A-game here, as the tone seems rather ill-suited for his iteration of the Doctor. Yes it works in those final scenes, but elsewhere this seems like his weakest work for the show to date – maybe it's just a second Christmas special curse; both David Tennant and Matt Smith suffered similar blows with The Runaway Bride and The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe respectively – and feels less like the Doctor hinted to have changed for the better at the end of Hell Bent. Also lacking is Alex Kingston, who's decided to go full-panto right from the get-go with the poorly-delivered "You most certainly do not" that's been in every trailer which practically sums up how she is. Again, only serving well at the very end, Kingston may love the character and does fare better than her titular co-star but is just unbearable until those final moments. And not helping these fatal blows are the lack of good co-stars – Lucas is barely given anything new or interesting to do; Davies' best acting is when he's been replaced with a prosthetic head being thrown all over the place; other husband Phillip Rhys has no purpose whatsoever other than giving Kingston someone to snog; and the various assortment of aliens presented in the second half are so unmemorable and one-note there's nothing really to them. Even the villainous red robot is bland and forgettable, with nothing of any regard to give outside of the Baymax similarities.
There are little bits of goodness within the episode. The somewhat creative design and thought process behind the alien who River bargains with is an inventive idea that feels like the first iota of newness we've had in the series for a while on the monster front; again, that finale does hold some level of endurance when you try and ignore some of the contrivances and how unneeded it feels (its set-up with the constant time-travel is a nice touch), and the episode as a whole isn't particularly bad. What it is though is very dull with forced emotional appeal and iffy performances from everyone. As something which could of rounded off an era of Doctor Who, it would have been he perfect showing of the five year decline we've had from great introductions (The Eleventh Hour) to shoddy writing (The Husbands of River Song). A very skippable episode with only a slight bit of watchability and free from anything anger-provoking. 4/10.
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