Nine Lives (2016) Film Review

It's really hard to try and find a starting point when it comes to Nine Lives because it's practically been ostracized by everyone. Every trailer has been criticised for its existence; almost every critic has given it a negative review (currently heralding a mighty 9% on Rotten Tomatoes), and the film has barely made a scratch at the UK and US box offices. Perhaps why this film is getting as much attention as it has is because of two people: director Barry Sonnenfeld (the man behind the Men in Black trilogy) and Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey. While neither have been exempt from severe criticism, as highlighted through the backlash for Sonnenfeld's Wild Wild West and the reviews for Spacey's Fred Claus, the duo are hardly up there with the likes of Adam Sandler and Vince Vaughn, and yet here they are; perhaps it's the factor that Spacey is so well-renowned following his work on Netflix series House of Cards that makes the audience so dumb-founded for his decisions. But I digress – here's a cat movie that looks like it came out 15 years too late and that nobody likes, apparently. 

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is a major business tycoon who is currently trying to hold the record for the tallest tower in the northern hemisphere – a pet project of his which seemingly is taking his eyes away from his main business venture of something or another. However, all this work focus has lead him to become distant from his family; only seeing his son from his first marriage (Robbie Amell) through his job at the same company and struggling to keep his second wife and their daughter Rebecca (Jennifer Garner and Malina Weissman respectively). Upon Rebecca's 11th birthday, Brand makes a last-minute decision to purchase a pet cat as a present, but things go wrong when a near-death experience leads to him becoming the very cat he purchased. With his human body in a coma, Tom must come to terms with his new lifestyle and learn how to be a better father and husband, leading to "hilarious" antics, bouts of alcoholism, and a suicide attempt. Can he learn the error of his ways before his body is gone forever, let alone before his company goes public? 

Right from the get-go, you can tell there's something unbelievably off about this outdated conceit. Mainly the fact that it's a standard story that must have been mustered up in the early days of the century and it has elements that feel so out of place for a film where a guy gets turned into a cat. Add the serious approach towards the business dealings (a recurring aspect of the film that the film's ideal audience of 5-year-olds will likely get bored by easily) and hints towards adultery, it makes the whole ordeal feel like an overly specific yet bizarre acid trip. Across its 87 minute runtime, the screenplay (this was written by five people, by the way. Five people.) ebb and flows through generic storytelling clichés and strange decisions to create a film that's still somehow so dull and uninspired for a film about Kevin Spacey being turned into an animal, and yet still doesn’t make for the worst possible thing around the entire thing – a strange conclusion to make when one of the characters begins to piece together the problem at hand out of nowhere.

Perhaps the worst thing is the inconsistent editing and direction that's at hand. Barry Sonnenfeld's stylistic choices of overly fast and sickly zooms up and down buildings may work for something like the Men in Black films, but with this film's reported $30m budget (seriously, someone spent $30m on this thing?) the CG work makes the movement like ghastly; not to mention the recurring usage of special effects on the cat looking so obvious that even those behind The Scorpion King would cry foul. Hell, even the set and costumes look unreal despite the fact that they're supposedly a reality – it’s all so fake for a film where the only fakery is Kevin Spacey being a cat. It’s all so garish.

As one could probably expect, Spacey is hardly bringing his C-game to the project. As fun as it should be to hear the voice of A Bug's Life's Hopper or House of Cards' Frank Underwood in the body of a very screechy cat, it's more depressing than entertaining, whilst his human persona only thrives when he's lying on a hospital bed comatose. Jennifer Garner as his beloved wife has kinda been stuck in a rut since Juno, but is hardly making much of a change of pace with her very basic role; Robbie Amell is given plenty to do but barely any of it is interesting or entertaining; Cheryl Hines as Tom's ex-wife who keeps visiting the new digs for unexplained reasons is so unbearably painful that the only thing that makes it worse is the cat's running commentary on her; her daughter Talitha Bateman is your typical bratty spoilt 'friend' who's exploiting the upset Rebecca; Malina Weissman is sorta your standard young girl character; Christopher Walken has seemingly walked onto the set drunk and just rolled with it for the sake of free booze and cat bowls, and the main antagonist Mark Consuelos is toe-curling in his forwardness – as though he were waiting for the young audience to boo him for his actions. 

Do you remember the 2006 film Click, starring Adam Sandler? In which he has to learn how to become a better father and a better husband? Well, Nine Lives is essentially the direct-to-DVD sequel in which only Christopher Walken returned to re-teach those lessons for a younger audience, yet was apparently so good EuropaCorp felt like it could be a big smash hit. Well, It's unfortunately fallen to become one of the worst films of the year: atrocious screenplay; garish visuals; barely-acting actors – the whole ordeal makes for one bad trip for the cinema. A truly pawful experience that can only be enjoyed if you can merit the weird thought process behind trying to taser a cat. 2/10.